I Am Learning About My Own Limitations

There are times when I feel as though I can do any- and everything. I take on more and more until my plate is overflowing and is extremely heavy.

Sometimes I do it because of the challenge of doing something new, or trying something that I have thought about doing, but haven't gotten around to it yet. My Moon in the 5th house, which means that I love to have fun. That's where my emotional needs are met, by having fun, expressing myself creatively, and being the center of attention.

Sometimes, I take on the challenge because I have the presumption that no one else can do it, or at least can do it as well as I can or as quickly as I can. I am a Double Gemini, which means that both my Sun and my Moon are in Gemini (although it is Balsamic and not a New Moon). I am quick to get it done. Plus, my 6th House Sun (I identify with my work and achievements, or my work is how and where I express myself) is in a wide square with Pluto in Virgo, which is conjunct my 9th House (expanding my horizons by learning and doing until I get it just right). So, I take great pride in my achievements, but I am embarrassed when I get recognized for my work, yet secretly I don't understand why I don't get more recognition for all the things I do for everyone. I get frustrated when someone who did a half-assed job of it gets paid more than I do.

Sometimes, I take on the challenge because I am afraid and panicking that I will lose money or won't make enough money unless I tell my boss "yes." I have a Capricorn rising or Ascendent and so money, security, authority, playing by the rules, structure, and a very strong foundation for life and for living are extremely important to me and to how I intend to live my life. Actually, I am fortunate that I have a Capricorn rising because it tempers that double Gemini that might otherwise be flitting here and there and flying around constantly with no grounding whatsoever. Ok, except for the Pluto and Uranus conjunct in Virgo arguing with my Gemini Sun every now and then (since they are wide squares, they don't spend too much time together).

This Capricorn rising is not well supported by Saturn (Capricorn's ruling planet). I was born in the 1960's when Saturn was in Aries. So, the Aries part of me wants to go, try, be, do NOW and the Saturn is constantly pulling back on those reins. It reminds me of the Chariot card in Tarot: having self-control when so many really interesting ideas are making themselves known to me. My Saturn is part of a wide Cardinal T-Square that involves Mercury in Cancer in the 7th House of "The Other," and Mars in Libra in the 9th House of "Expanding My Horizons." So, I always have the drive and desire (Mars) to come up with new ideas, talk, and experiment (Mercury), but those ideas will be tested in time (Saturn). And not in a fun, easy, gentle manner for the most part, so I get cranky and the critical, sarcastic, bitchy part of Gemini is brought out. Since my Sun is in a supportive and harmonious relationship with my Mars and my Saturn, it demands action and judgment in my favor.

Last year and for most of this year, my T-Square has been activated by the transiting Cardinal T-Square of Uranus (the Great Shocker/Awakener) in Aries, Pluto (the Dark and Dangerous Digger-up of things I wish would be left alone) in Capricorn, and Jupiter (Protector and Is this all that there is?) in Cancer with Venus (love, money, values) and Mars (lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way) thrown in at various times of the transit. Uranus is conjuncting that Saturn of mine and causing havoc with my 3rd house, arguing with my Mercury at the same time, and in a little while opposing/challenging my Mars for part of the transiting T-Square, so I get to do some big time redefining and polishing of myself.


What this all comes down to, is this: I am learning about my limitations (Saturn/Capricorn) and just how far I can really push myself (transiting Pluto in the 1st House) and others (natal Mercury in the 7th House). I have taken on three completely different classes to teach this semester and my schedule is tight. I have to let go of those activities, people, and things that do not fit, work, serve, or help me (transiting Pluto in the 1st House). I have to redefine what is truly important to me and who I am AND find a better way (Capricorn) of either getting those things or maintaining them. I took on too much this semester because I was afraid that I may not get the teaching assignments, so I took whatever I could. I wanted to be assured that I would have an income. And I pushed myself to make sure that I had it. The lesson is: I should not have taken on such a tight schedule and so many different classes. I have only taught one of these classes before and so I have had to re-learn two of them (transiting and natal Mars in the 9th House) . One of them is going great and I really enjoy it. The other one is taking its time getting infused with excitement because I am unsure of myself.

Besides all of the above cosmic fun, transiting Saturn is conjuncting my natal Neptune in the 11th House of my long-term plans, friends, and of the Collective/Group. Saturn  and Neptune are discussing those dreams I used to have of teaching at a college and testing them. Am I truly good enough to teach these classes? Do I want to be stuck teaching these classes for the rest of my career? Is this dream job good enough? So far, the answer to all of these questions is a huge YES! 

Of course, after all is said and done, I will have grown in experience and skills and all this will have been for my benefit. I just have to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can even though sometimes, I feel as though I am falling short. This too shall pass, but only if I learn the lesson now. Otherwise, it will rear its ugly, but smiling head, allowing me to try the lesson again.

Jeanette

Choices or Decisions

I have a relative who is the same age as I am. She has all the material stuff that she could ever want and still wants more. However, her sex life is non-existent and her house needs lots of repairs.

I live paycheck to paycheck and cannot even seem to find the money for a cup of coffee. But my home is beautiful and well-built, and I have a fabulous sex life.

I wonder why some people seem to have all the stuff and none of the satisfaction of living. Does having lots of money preclude life's satisfaction and contentment? Why can't I have it both ways? Why can't I have lots of money and a beautiful home and a great sex life?

Because my priorities seem to be different than my relative's priorities. I have a great job and I love what I do. i don't get paid much to do it, but I also don't have as much responsibilities as I used to have when I made more money. I have free time as a college teacher. My time is not tied up in an 8-5 job with restrictions on how much time I can take for lunch. I get to learn from my students and interact with them. I feel as though I am finally comfortable in my own skin. My relative hated her job and was relieved when she was fired over 15 years of mistreatment.

My beloved and I are spiritually similar and have a great appetite for living. These were my priorities when I resumed dating after my divorce. Anything else was a waste of my time and therefore a deal breaker. I will not settle any longer for second best. My relative saw Daddy Warbucks and made a bee-line for him. Now, he doesn't like to do the same things she likes to do or what they used to do when they were dating. Plus, he has gained so much weight that he doesn't feel attractive any longer...no more date nights and no more snuggling on the couch watching movies in their pj's.

In the end, I am actually very satisfied with my life. I am healthy. I have a wonderful man. I have a beautiful home. I have a great job. I am content even though I cannot run right out and buy the first thing that strikes my fancy. I just released so much stuff and junk from 22 years of marriage that I really don't want a lot of stuff in my life or in my home.

So, is my life the way that it is based on choices or decisions? It must be that since I always have a choice at every step of the way (even a choice not to make a choice IS a choice), then I have control over my life to a very large degree. This is so empowering that I can easily make decisions based on those choices. Choices can also be considered as priorities, goals, plans, as well as boundaries, what I don't want in my life, what I prefer not to have in my life.

I am very powerful indeed. And my life is so very, very good all of the time. Contentment is strong with this one.
Jeanette

Witchy Reads Review Number 1: Sometimes the Movie IS Better than the Book

The Witchy Reads Challenge was a good excuse for me to finally read Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman. I was looking forward to getting more insight into the actions of the aunts and the sisters Jill and Sally after having seen the movie more than a dozen times and thoroughly enjoying it. I play it ever year during Hallowe'een/Samhain and really love this ritual of renewal and hope.

Oh dear, was I disappointed with the book. There are some books that are so much better than the movie, but this one is not one of those instances. The book drones on and on with no real character development. The plot seemed to go nowhere and I was waiting for the ending so that I could put it down and check it off my list of things to do. 

Sometimes it is dialogue that moves the story along and sometimes the characters drive the book. In this case, neither stood up and took charge. The aunts are musty and are not authentic or believable. They were pasty white, falling into the background, and don't add to the story line at all. The images of the settings lack color and depth. It felt grey and fuzzy.

Sally and Jill don't feel alive; they are dead and boring. I kept wondering when they would come alive and tell me their story. Gary Hallet is a wimp and again his character was superficial, with no real depth.

I had heard that Alice Hoffman was a very good writer with characters and plots, but this book floundered and gasped for the air that would  breathe life into it. 

Checked off the list.
Jeanette

Back After a Very Long Hiatus

I know that sometimes life gets in the way of living. I have been living in the past two years. Now, things are so incredibly different than they were in 2011.

I am divorced, I have moved out of the house I shared with my ex-husband and two children, one child now lives with my Ex and the other is a junior in college, I have earned my L.U.T., I have bought a house with a wonderful (and older) man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I am finally teaching at a college. Yes, so much different than the fall of 2011.

I have also regained my sense of self--of who Jeanette always wanted to be: a woman in a committed relationship with a man who shares my ideals, spirituality, and desire to live life to the fullest; a teacher of the liberal arts and humanities; a hedge or green witch; an astrologer and tarot reader; and home-owner.

These are just a few of the qualities that I knew were deep inside me. I am sure that many more will be re-discovered as time goes on.

Love Always, Jeanette

Ask and You Shall Receive

Yesterday, I shifted my perspective on how I was going to make a monetary income. I was finally at peace and felt good.

Within minutes of having made up my mind and then posted what I had done on Facebook, I received a phone call from my former boss asking me to come back and help them. Of course, I said YES!

Today, I (re-)started my beloved job. I am so happy!

What are you doing?

What are you doing with your life? Are you having fun? Are you thinking that events and situations are happening to you?

Which scenario do you prefer? Which one feels better?

What are you not willing to have in your life? What are you willing to acknowledge and then let go?

For me, life has to be lived on my terms, not anyone else's. It is my life after all. If my life seems to be a mess, it is because I created that mess and it has something to offer me, something to give me. What is that? I may not know for days, weeks, or years after the situation has calmed down or resolved itself, but I know that it was always for me.

Like my separation from my husband. For ten years now, I have been wishing and desiring to have him leave. Last year, he did. I wanted it to happen and when the time was right, I finally let him go.

And now, I revel in my freedom.

I am also scared about the next step; financial independence. In my marriage, I let him tell me that I could not work full time. I let him tell me that I was unreliable in keeping a job, which was completely false, of course. I let him ruin our life financially. Together we created struggle and a lack consciousness.

Now, I get to change my mind about my job/career and how I want to money to come into my life. I get to choose my conditions. I get to choose my values and what is important to me and to me alone.

That is an awesome amount of power that I have!

So, what shall I do today?

August 3, 2011

Mercury goes retrograde today. For the next three weeks, it will be a good idea to research, make plans but don't act on them, and re-evaluate my previous plans.

I used to be a great and prolific planner, making lists of what I would like to have in my life and when. When I got married, I lost myself and thus lost that part of myself. Now, that I am free and independent, I am remembering that I can plan my life out and have it be the way that I want it to be.

This is both exciting and frightening. I am constantly being nudged by the Universe to claim my life and live it. My ex is cutting the amount of money he is giving me for the kids, my job ended on the 29th, I have ideas of what I want to do, and I am scared of how the money will come in to take care of the monthly bills that I have.

To Do:
write my book on the Astrology of Knitting
write my book on square and rectangular knitting: making all sorts of things without shaping
keep up on my blog and keep writing my lists

I feel better already after having written just those three things.

Onward!